I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
