it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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