Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We don't watch enough power rangers
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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