So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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