Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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