All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
