Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
