Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
