I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
