I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
