no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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