I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
