so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
