We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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