I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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