Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
