he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
