I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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