I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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