He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
