No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
