then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
time to smoke my breakfast
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize