My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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