I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
