I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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