So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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