Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
