There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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