Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
