Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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