hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize