So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize