you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Your cock deserves a montage
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
