I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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