I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We left the knife in your bed.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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