Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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