what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
