I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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