Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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