Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
