ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
