I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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