im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
