dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
