I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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