I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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