I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
