that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
