i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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