I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
