just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
