one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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