Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
