I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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